Time for a change:sensitive topic
Today I acted on a resolution for a lifestyle change. I can't go into details here. So pardon me for being vague. I want to lose the extra pounds I've put on the past 3 years. I want to sleep better. I want more energy. I want to get back to working out regularly. So I need to get off my butt and make some changes. Today I found out that this choice wasn't as difficult as I thought. I wish I would have taken this step sooner. But I thought there was only one way and that scared me. And I was too hard on myself. Today I learned. I have more hope. I am embarking on a personal journey for the next few weeks. Time will tell how I fare. Now, I will talk about a very sensitive subject. One that I find very difficult to find anyone to talk about it with. Weight. I have been skinny most of my life without trying. Was not a concern. Not even a thought. When I turned 40, it changed. I started putting on weight. Ok, so I had room, so it wasn't a big deal at first. I then went through a period of such emotional distress that I lost a significant amount of weight in a short time. I just stopped eating. Not consciously. Just no desire. I dropped to 115lbs. That was too skinny. I didn't look healthy, didn't feel healthy.
But, dang, now I've gone the opposite way. And here lies my struggle: how can I share my emotions when most people I know are heavier than I am? People who are heavy do NOT want to hear weight loss concerns from someone smaller than them. ( including me) It doesn't matter if that person is built differently or how comfortable they feel. It's always the "I'd kill to have your body". Well that is where I'm at. I doubt that many people would "kill to have my body" now because I've crossed that line into middle aged average. But I seem to be just barely under average for women my age. And I see the writing on the wall. 15 lbs a year is gonna add up real fast. And for me, it's been life changing. I've gone up 3 sizes in clothes, which is costly and does not help the self esteem. I don't have the stamina for exercise and hiking like I used to. Just because I'm not obese or considered overweight (yet) does not mean that I shouldn't be concerned about my weight and body. I've become one of those women who chooses baggy clothing, who can't/refuses to wear tight or form fitting clothing, who can't tuck a shirt in 'cause that would accent the belly overhang. And it's very difficult for me to talk about this stuff because I get the "I wish I were your size."
Well, I look at women who are what I used to be and I'd "kill to have that body again". I do the "I wish I were your size." routine too.
I feel very self conscious. Very unattractive. I don't seem to have cheekbones anymore. My waist is nearly larger than my boobs. UGH!!!!
Just because I may not have yet reached that official "overweight" mark doesn't mean I don't have a right to be concerned with my self image.
I've discovered that it is really true that life past 40 causes our bodies to gain and retain weight much more so than in earlier years. I have friends who are older than me and significantly thinner, healthier. So, it is not a hopeless desire.
But for me it is hard to find support.
Why must we women compare ourselves to other women? We do. I do. Absolutely.
We should be comparing ourselves to how we feel, what we want. What is right for us? Not what is right for our friends and acquaintences, nor what they think should be right for us. Very strange paradigm.
For me, I don't want to go back to 115 lbs. I would like to be 125 and healthy and toned. Hell, I'll take 130 at this point. And I know I can do that. For me it is not so much about dieting. I eat fairly healthy most of the time. I very rarely eat fast food, I eat very few carbs, I eat a lot of fresh veggies and fish and lean meats. I sure do love pizza though!!! LOL. For me, I need to make one major change, which I took a big step toward today, and I need to get back to working out regularly. I felt so good when I was going to the gym every day at lunch break at work. I quit going due to work demands, travel, and loss of energy. I have no excuse. I need to start up again. I know how much better I will feel. I just need to get through that first week and re-establish a routine.
For me, some of the reasons I haven't been working out: self conscious of how I look in my workout clothes (stupid I know), feeling guilty for taking a long lunch break at work (even though I take my total allotted time at once), and lack of energy. I know working out will give energy. But when I'm struggling to stay awake at my desk, it's real hard to get up and walk to the fitness center to work out. But I'm going to change that.
I need to find a way to feel attractive to a man again. I need to feel good in my clothes. I need to feel good about me. I've been so depressed lately about my self image. I'm my own worst critic. I took a major step today toward that goal. Please pray that I accomplish this goal.
But, dang, now I've gone the opposite way. And here lies my struggle: how can I share my emotions when most people I know are heavier than I am? People who are heavy do NOT want to hear weight loss concerns from someone smaller than them. ( including me) It doesn't matter if that person is built differently or how comfortable they feel. It's always the "I'd kill to have your body". Well that is where I'm at. I doubt that many people would "kill to have my body" now because I've crossed that line into middle aged average. But I seem to be just barely under average for women my age. And I see the writing on the wall. 15 lbs a year is gonna add up real fast. And for me, it's been life changing. I've gone up 3 sizes in clothes, which is costly and does not help the self esteem. I don't have the stamina for exercise and hiking like I used to. Just because I'm not obese or considered overweight (yet) does not mean that I shouldn't be concerned about my weight and body. I've become one of those women who chooses baggy clothing, who can't/refuses to wear tight or form fitting clothing, who can't tuck a shirt in 'cause that would accent the belly overhang. And it's very difficult for me to talk about this stuff because I get the "I wish I were your size."
Well, I look at women who are what I used to be and I'd "kill to have that body again". I do the "I wish I were your size." routine too.
I feel very self conscious. Very unattractive. I don't seem to have cheekbones anymore. My waist is nearly larger than my boobs. UGH!!!!
Just because I may not have yet reached that official "overweight" mark doesn't mean I don't have a right to be concerned with my self image.
I've discovered that it is really true that life past 40 causes our bodies to gain and retain weight much more so than in earlier years. I have friends who are older than me and significantly thinner, healthier. So, it is not a hopeless desire.
But for me it is hard to find support.
Why must we women compare ourselves to other women? We do. I do. Absolutely.
We should be comparing ourselves to how we feel, what we want. What is right for us? Not what is right for our friends and acquaintences, nor what they think should be right for us. Very strange paradigm.
For me, I don't want to go back to 115 lbs. I would like to be 125 and healthy and toned. Hell, I'll take 130 at this point. And I know I can do that. For me it is not so much about dieting. I eat fairly healthy most of the time. I very rarely eat fast food, I eat very few carbs, I eat a lot of fresh veggies and fish and lean meats. I sure do love pizza though!!! LOL. For me, I need to make one major change, which I took a big step toward today, and I need to get back to working out regularly. I felt so good when I was going to the gym every day at lunch break at work. I quit going due to work demands, travel, and loss of energy. I have no excuse. I need to start up again. I know how much better I will feel. I just need to get through that first week and re-establish a routine.
For me, some of the reasons I haven't been working out: self conscious of how I look in my workout clothes (stupid I know), feeling guilty for taking a long lunch break at work (even though I take my total allotted time at once), and lack of energy. I know working out will give energy. But when I'm struggling to stay awake at my desk, it's real hard to get up and walk to the fitness center to work out. But I'm going to change that.
I need to find a way to feel attractive to a man again. I need to feel good in my clothes. I need to feel good about me. I've been so depressed lately about my self image. I'm my own worst critic. I took a major step today toward that goal. Please pray that I accomplish this goal.
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