From Worthless to Strong

I was talking with a dear friend recently and as we were both reflecting on where we've come from, I shared with her that ~20 years ago, I was a shy, meek, scared woman with no self-esteem. That version of me feels like an entire lifetime and completely different person ago. Today I am stronger, more confident, more outgoing and surer of myself. Most of the time. What happened? Well, I was a shy, loner child and teen with few friends and no self-esteem at all. I was a plain Jane who never got noticed. But inside, I begged to be noticed. I spent so many hours alone in my bedroom in my own little fantasy land. As a young teen, I isolated away in my room, listening to records and lip syncing and dancing and reading teen girl magazines with posters of Shaun Cassidy, The Bee Gees and other teen idols on my walls, while fantasizing about my life as a rock star. Then I was in a marriage for 16 years where I later realized that my husband had been very emotionally and at times verbally abusive to me. He frequently gave me the silent treatment and ignored me for days at a time, making me feel worthless. My worth came from his opinion of me. I welcomed and maybe even created drama, because drama seemed to get me the attention I craved. When he left me for another woman, that crushed me. I didn't know who I was without him. I had a pretty strong faith in God but didn't feel worthy of Him. My faith in myself did not exist. In the years immediately after my divorce I went through a lot of bad trials right on top of each other - job loss, financial ruin, ill and homeless mother that I took in while nearly homeless myself but for the generosity of friends, my abuse of prescription drugs after a car accident, back-to-back deaths of friends and loved ones, 2 car accidents. I ended up in the emergency room twice of an overdose. I was a mess. I shouldn't have lived. The list goes on. But God picked me up and carried me through. Time after time, He just kept providing a way and literally preserving my life. When the paramedics were working on me, a pastor from a local church came to minister to me. My life changed right there. God brought me to a church and a small group who lifted me up and encouraged and taught me. Time after time, He just kept providing a way and literally preserving my life. As time went on, I grew stronger. I came to a place where I realized that I had been always counting on a man to take care of me and take me places and to do things with. I decided that was not healthy and I didn't need to sit around waiting for someone to come along and rescue me. I needed to make my own way. So I started going out to restaurants, and movies by myself. Then I joined a hiking group and started hiking and got introduced to camping. But it seemed like my friends either weren't available or didn't share my interest in camping. So I stepped out and took some trips by myself. And those adventures provided me the greatest growth and some of the best experiences of my life. So, over the past 20 years I have finally figured out who I am and accepted that God does love me unconditionally and that I can take care of myself with His help. I had to just get out in the world and experience it rather than wait for someone to take me. And now, my life is so full and blessed that I haven't even pursued dating in quite some time . ( that's a whole other topic. Lol) I've seen God work so many little and big miracles in my life and carry me , that it has given me the strength to be strong . I still have times where that young insecure Karen pops up and tries to push me down and tell me I'm not worthy. But it doesn't take hold because I now know from experience that I am a loved child of God and no matter what happens in my life, He will always be right here. Whatever trials you have been through or are going through, someonese else has been there and gotten through. Reach out. Friends. God is waiting to come alongside.