Yes I AM still.................

So, a friend recently pointed out to me that I have now been divorced longer than I was married. When I got divorced I remember adamantly telling my friends I would be remarried within a year. And then I went out and hit the bars and dating sites hard. Because I HAD to be married. I was naive, broken and had almost no self esteem.  I was in a roller coaster marriage for 16 years. Alcohol, drugs, chronic unemployment,  some verbal abuse, some sexual abuse near the end and finally infidelity. No, I wouldn't change my decision. I loved him, stuck to my vows until the infidelity and my past experiences shaped me into who I am now. I've now been officially divorced for almost 18 years. Time flies. And through this single phase of my life I have had to battle the stigma of being "so long divorced". The endless questions about "How's your love life?"  " Are you dating?"   "Any men in your life?" "Why can't you find a husband?"  "Are you ever going to get married again?"

 I have really grown tired of the focus on my relationship status.  I am good. I am happy, content. I am blessed with many close friends. After the initial turmoil and recovery, this is the best, happiest time of my life. I love my freedom.  YES, I have dated and had some serious relationships and came close to getting engaged more than once. And yes, I am still  single. What is so wrong with that? I don't have a problem with it. Why do some people?
My Grandma Scribner was widowed in her mid 60's. She never remarried, never had a boyfriend ( that I was aware of, hee hee). She lived an extremely full and wonderful life until the age 104 1/2. She was happy and fulfilled.

Do I sometimes get a bit lonely? Do I desire a man? Do I long for romance? Do I sometimes long to be part of a couple and have that someone to share my day and experiences with? Absolutely. But I  have learned to live my life and enjoy and be content. NO, I do not want to "grow old alone".  AND yet, I am not going to settle and remarry just for the sake of not being alone. I have plenty of friends and good relationships in my life. I don't believe I will grow old "alone".

 My faith is in God, not in a man coming along to rescue and take care of me.

I have witnessed too many women and friends make fools of themselves and bring heartbreak on  by being so desperate for a man and sabotaging relationships as a result or settling for a relationship that isn't right because they can't be alone. I made a lot of mistakes when I first got divorced. I jumped into a rebound relationship and got my heart broken and devastated a few months after the grief of my divorce. Because I was too "desperate". I didn't think I could be single.  I've had at least 3 really good serious relationships that almost went down the road to marriage, but turned out to just not be the right thing for a permanent commitment. I am grateful for those men and think of them with affection and gratitude for the time and experiences we had.   I believe all but maybe 2 relationships ended amicably. Each relationship was for a season and served a purpose and I learned from it.

I don't have much opportunity to meet good men. I don't frequent bars and that is the WORST place to find a man. I can't date/approach men at work because I'm in a management position. I go to church to worship, not to shop for a man. Met a lot of nice people in my hiking club  and other social groups but  no one that I connected with. Yes, I've tried some online dating programs: Christian Cafe, E-Harmony, Match, Biker Planet. But each time I get so discouraged by the lack of communication, honesty, and games. So I usually try it for a couple months, then crawl back into my hole and swear off online dating. Until I get the courage to put my big toe back in the water.  I'm currently in the "big toe in the water" phase and not having much luck. Guys say they are interested and flirt but then don't follow through. And I will not chase down a man. If he wants to be with me, he's got to be  man enough to ask me out and court me.  I do have a teeny tiny ray of hope as I'm emailing a gentleman who communicates and writes well and seems to be a good fit for me, based on what little can be gleaned without meeting in person yet. But who knows, we have not yet met in person or talked via phone because we both want to take it slowly and casually.  Stay tuned I guess.

I don't know what it is. I am certainly not perfect, but I believe, and people who know me tell me, that I am kind, smart, considerate, interesting, good looking enough and a good communicator. So I don't know why I don't attract more men. It's been suggested that I am too independent and that my strength and independence kind of scares men. Why? I thought most men want a strong women who can think and do for herself.  ????

And yes, I have learned to be very independent  and my dating skills are probably lacking.  I was never good at it to begin with, and now after years of having to rely on my own resources, I just don't know how it's done at this stage of life. I'm 56.  I was a loner as a kid and so being alone is what I am used to.

I do not know what my future holds, but I do know WHO holds my future. That is God.  If HE chooses for me to remain single, OK. If HE has someone in mind to be connected to; awesome.   I'm just not going to put all my focus on that. Life is full, unpredictable and I am incredibly blessed.

People always tell me "He will come along when you aren't looking." Ok, well, 18 years later..........

So, in closing, I'm going to just go ahead and say: if you know a nice, considerate, intelligent man who can communicate openly and honestly and share some common interests with me. I would be open to being introduced. If you are that man, don't be afraid to take a step. I don't carry baggage, I'm open to dating, but I won't chase someone and I'm not good at flirting.

And to the other many long time single folks: maybe you can relate.  ?